Finding Yourself Again After Motherhood (A Clinical Reality Check)
Ironically, the most common conversation I have with new mothers, is not about stitches, feeding schedules, or recovery after birth. It is about identity. Over decades of practising gynaecology many women quietly ask the same question: “Will I ever feel like myself again?” As life has become faster, more remote, and less community orientated this question has become more important.
I reassure you that this question is far more common than most people realise. Motherhood changes your life in profound ways. Finding yourself again after having a baby is not a sign that you are failing. It is part of the natural adjustment to becoming a mother.
Motherhood Changes You More Than You Expect
Motherhood is a profound event that changes everything. Your body undergoes massive hormonal changes. You become so sleep deprived that it’d be unsafe to work in a factory, let alone be responsible for the health and wellbeing of a totally dependent little human! You receive no formal training. As a result, you are beginning to wonder if you are ever going to get back to normal. The secret is that you will begin to settle into and embrace a new normal.
What Happens to Your Mind and Body After Birth?
The oestrogen and progesterone that have been pumping in your body to sustain a pregnancy, drop dramatically. Simultaneously you lose your mood – at the important time when everybody expects you to be ready for lots of photos! Your mood is not the only thing to take a dive. Cognitive function is impaired and your emotional resilience is, well, altered at best and non-existent at worst. It is a physiological battlefield.
You Can Love Your Baby and Miss Your Former Life
The narrative that motherhood should be instantly fulfilling is false. It’s OK to feel otherwise. There, I said it for you! I worry about those women who breeze in for their six-week visit saying that they are so happy. I worry when they say that they are having such fun. I guess that they are often the ones who are putting on a ‘brave face’ to cover for the reality of dealing with a life crisis. It is possible to love your baby and grieve the loss of your former life and self. Heck, it is OK to want to be able to go to the toilet on your own at leisure!
Reclaiming Your Identity, finding yourself again, Takes Time
Finding yourself again after motherhood does not mean reverting to your pre-baby self. Much like your pelvis does not simply “snap back” because six weeks have passed. Identity recovery, like physical recovery, is gradual. Finding yourself again responds best to all those things that are in short supply. Rest, nourishment, boundaries, and time are the things that self-identity thrive on.
Take baby steps – if you pardon the pun! Just realising that you have successfully managed to keep a little human alive for six weeks is a starting point for reflection.
In a loving relationship you were first an individual, then a partner, and now a parent. You got to the parent bit because your partner found you interesting and attractive. It is quite fine to once again want to discover that former person. It is quite fine to want to grow yourself even a little bit back to your former glory.
On a more serious note, Motherhood does not eliminate who you are; it adds layers to who you are becoming. The woman you were before pregnancy has not disappeared. She is still there, adapting, growing, and learning to exist alongside the demands of raising a child.
Be patient with yourself. Give yourself grace. The journey back to yourself is rarely a straight line, and there is no deadline for getting there.
Recognising the Signs of Postnatal Depression and Anxiety
If you are concerned that your feelings go beyond the normal adjustment to motherhood, speak to your doctor, midwife, or healthcare professional. Help is available, and you do not have to navigate this journey alone.
At Mothersaid, we have gathered resources, articles, and expert guidance to support you through every stage of motherhood. Visit our site whenever you need encouragement, information, or reassurance.
