I Want My Body Back!
Let’s Talk About What Really Happens After Birth
Believe it or not, antenatal classes do not prepare you for every eventuality.
There, I’ve said it.
Read on to get perspective, before you ‘lose it’ all together!
The first mirror inspection after birth
What about the first time you look in the mirror after giving birth? Did an ante-natal class prepare you for the realisation that your body has apparently been involved in a minor road traffic accident and no paramedic has yet attended the scene…………?
Pregnancy apps will gently compare you to growing fruits during the pregnancy, but there is no possible fruit to match what you now see: a deflated lilo beyond repair!
The reality nobody warned you about
The dream is always that ‘once the baby is out, I will emerge glowing like a goddess’. Reality check. You will waddle to the loo with a surfboard-sized pad between your legs, holding your stitches and dribbling before you get there, all whilst milk is leaking from your nipples. And did I mention your ankles? They are getting bigger by the hour and now seem to have taken on the form of a pair of plump croissants!
No. The panic is not about the baby. The baby is oddly fine. The tiny dictator (read parasite!) that they are. They simply lie there demanding milk and pooping while you spiral downwards. Your belly button looks like a bit of abstract art that nobody appreciates. The kind people turn their head in a puzzled way to try and understand what they are seeing, and they are seeing it because the top you brought into the hospital was supposed to cover your flat belly – now that the baby is out…….
Social Media and the Dangerous Myth of “Bouncing Back”
Actually. No. This is where humanity completely loses the plot.
The suggestions abound on social media: herbal teas (black and or green), collagen powders (in the tea or not?) resistance bands, waist trainers and enough supplements to tranquilise a horse. There are creams to tighten things (such as FrezyDerm Reconstria Restructuring), oils to smooth things (think FrezyDerm Perineum care), wraps to flatten things, and massages that apparently “encourage lymphatic drainage,” although nobody is entirely sure where the lymph is draining to.
And so, in the middle of the night with the dictator firmly attached to your tired nipple (think FrezyDerm Nipple Emollient or Nipple Aid), you find yourself online reading reviews for something called a “postpartum sculpting corset,” and suddenly the post-partum you is convinced it will restore your abdominal wall and possibly your will to live. Who is this person?
Recovery Takes Longer Than Instagram Suggests
The urgency to do Pilates, to jog despite episiotomy stitches, and women who ask online if celery is the answer to fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans? Spoiler alert! There will be a woman on Instagram who gave birth twelve minutes ago and already has visible abs. She is usually drinking a green smoothie. I ask, “Who has two hands free and all the ingredients to actually achieve this?”. Who can do this while gently bouncing her sleeping newborn in ethically sourced, natural fibre, beige knitwear?
I give you permission to delete that post!
Meanwhile, normal women, real women are standing looking at themselves sideways and from the front to double check how it is even possible that one breast points north and the other appears emotionally unavailable.
Nobody Prepared You for the Underwear
And let us discuss the underwear. This is a thing. It is an industrial engineering project of mammoth proportions – if you pardon the pun! What used to be panties are now load-bearing restrictive devices sitting just under the bra line – which has moved due south – and probably the entire set up could act as some form of shelving – for that herbal smoothie perhaps?
But perhaps the funniest and saddest part is the obsession with “getting your body back.” Back from where exactly?
Your body has not gone on holiday. It has just manufactured an actual human being. Organs moved. Bones shifted. Hormones hosted a full-on rave at your expense. But you grew a whole human being in your tummy. It deserves a victory parade, not derision.
Your Body Hasn’t Failed
Just remember that we should not see the stretch marks, softer stomachs and wider hips as though they have failed. If that is the case, then the test was impossible to pass. Postpartum bodies are not broken. They are simply evidence. Evidence that something enormous happened.
Also, no one tells you this, but many of these things slowly improve. The swelling subsides. The muscles recover. The hormones settle. Eventually you stop crying because somebody used the wrong knife for spreading the butter and got crumbs in it!
Choose Comfort Before Vanity
See it as something wonderfully freeing about reaching the stage where comfort wins over vanity. At some point you realise that high-waisted leggings, giant underwear and an uninterrupted nap are infinitely sexier than fitting into your pre-pregnancy skinny jeans.
And if all else fails, just remember: the baby who caused all this chaos thinks you are perfect already. Even if you currently resemble a sleep-deprived marshmallow held together by nipple cream and caffeine – I mean a smoothie, of course!
